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“DON’T TALK!”

….was all that’s said, and was enough to shut me with tears.

And you are exactly the reason why I hate to be at home. And if anyone may, do remind me how harsh the word “hate” is.

I’m just an ordinary girl. An ordinary student. An ordinary daughter. I’m no super hero, nor wonderwoman. I’m just human. And it’s only human of me, to seek for a place where I feel loved, where I am loved.

I just want to be loved, and to feel that I am loved.

As sad as it is to say, but home is nothing like it. I suppose the fairytales I was brought up with, were just stories in disguise.

I may look like a tough girl on the outside. I may look like a great leader. I may look like I am strong person.

Truth being told; I’m just a girl. Who has lived up so many years, trying to be tough, and to always stand up for what is right for myself, and for others. I put on a strong shield when I walk the paths alone in the fearful world outside. But only to find out; the shield only protects and shelters the outer of me.

I’m just a girl. Easily broken. Sensitive and emotional. A fragile heart.

I seek for nothing different from any other ordinary girl or child; Love.

Spare me. For I’m only human.

I’m tired of protecting myself. For standing up for myself. Of fighting against all wrong all by myself. I’m tired of holding this heavy shield, which isn’t even emotion-proof.

Trust me when I say that, I’m just an ordinary girl; who is broken inside.

I seek for one who can mend my inner-self, my broken self, as though I was perfect all the while long. One who would love me. And nothing extraordinary.

Because I am just ordinary.

And I am only human.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, so much for communication.

Weather was pretty today. Just great if I did have someone to accompany me for an evening walk today at the lonely park nearby my home.

I have been having a mix of feelings lately. It’s weird. I didn’t understand.

I have been really really happy lately being with friends. But at the end of the day, I would feel very very sad. Each day when I feel happier, I’d end up feeling even sadder.

I didn’t know what I should do.

Finally I understood. I no longer thought it was weird.

I feel really really happy spending time with a few friends. I enjoy how we talk a lot of bull together. I love seeing Jitsu and AhWin, and speak the language with them. And then when the day ends, I’d feel really sad because I know in a few days time, 2008 is going to have to go, and a whole new year has to come.

I am not ready to welcome 2009.

2008 had been a really good friend to me. For all the horrible shitty memories, to the very memorable lovely memories. It summed up as a very memorable year for me.

December; being the last month of year 2008, is my most memorable and enjoying moment of the entire year. My most chilling moments, seriously.

I am very thankful for the road that God had prepared for me. I knew that He had it all in His hands. He took the wheel. When I was forced by no one but her to walk the path that leaded me out of her life, I found others who would walk this new path with me. They understood what I was going through, they knew what I had lost, what I was crying over, and I appreciate their companion.
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From there, I’ve learnt more points on appreciation.

I am going to miss how Jitsu and AhWin and I hang out every night together during this last few weeks of 2008. Jewin never fails to crack a joke, even with or without ‘the language’. Speaking of which, I am going to miss talking ‘the language’ with them and others.

I am going to miss how Jeremy bullies me, every.single.time. It annoys me, but a friend like him is entertaining. I am going to miss how the boys use the ‘SCH’ in every possible word they can form with. Schlut. Schmoke. *laughs*

I am going to miss all the epic jokes. All the ‘epic phail’ jokes.
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I am going to miss how Bum and I spend time together in Old Town. But because her car has to be home really early, so we always have not enough time. Considering the speed that Bum and I talk, time still wasn’t enough. I wonder if we will still have time for this next year. If things would still be the same. If Old Town would still be there.

I am going to miss how I laugh through my nose everytime the guys talk some funny arse shit. Well that’s what they described my laughter; through my nose. Well at least I’m improving, I used to laugh without sound, although I still ocassionally do.

I am going to miss how AhSeng and I work together in ECMI. How Kenny, our colleague is really the ‘bahan’ in office for us. I am going to miss how the both of us try to control our laughters from few cubicles away from one another. How we hide our faces under the table and act we were tying shoelaces although both our shoes never really did had shoelaces just so the CCTV doesn’t see our laughing faces.
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I am going to miss how amazingly we could had spent 3.5 hours waiting for AhWin to come to makbul. How we had our muka-tunggu-kawan-1-jam 2 jam 3 jam. And even when Jewin finally arrived, we could still laugh over him being so unbelievably late. How we didn’t even had the slightest anger at all.

I am going to miss how Jewin and Jitz come over to my place to play Guitar Hero. How Jitz repeated Welcome To The Jungle for almost 4 times consecutively, only because he couldn’t score perfectly. How Jewin was trying to go all “Sha na na na na na” along with the song.

I am going to miss how Gillie teaches our 3-tables-long group of friends in Asia Cafe how to say “No” in the Australian accent. That was some shit. But funny.

I am going to miss how Jian spreaded and influenced me with the ”KK language”;  Onnaaaahhh! (On lah!)
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I am going to miss how Nithi insults me in a jokingly manner, about what I study and what I do in college. How he would ask me, hey how’re things in Limkokwing cheryl? I’d say, things are okay. A lot of drawings to do. And one sarcastic comment will come flying from him, “Ah yeaah, I’d remember when I was 6 years old, my mother used to buy me drawing and colouring books as well.. those were the days”. *laughs* I’m not mad, I take it as a joke and nothing personal. I am actually going to miss it.
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I am going to miss the times AhSeng and AhWin came up to Putra Heights, to the lonely park nearby my home, and we just sat and talked, drowned our sorrows, laugh the shits out, together.

I am going to miss all these very chilling and relaxing moments I have spent with each and every friend.

When January 2009 comes, they will be starting college. I would be starting a new job, well at least it is 80% confirmed.

And as more of 2009 comes, everyone will be busy with college. With exams. With assignments. I have to admit that it wouldn’t be as the same as how December 2008. Like now.

Like how it is, right now.

I am just not ready for 2009 yet. Really. I don’t want this to end. I like how I finally get to feel how laid back life actually is even after all the shits that can actually happen or actually is happening, how relaxing life actually is even when spent with just two friends, or a few friends.

So yes.

Exactly my point.

Of great moments Dear 2008.

It’s getting late. 2am in the morning now. I have work tomorrow morning, well I meant, later in the morning. I should jet.

Laters.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, Warmness on the soul, onnaahhh!

How do you like my new layout? Smooth? Well I’m still working on it for better changes, spare me lil bit more. And it’s 5 in the morning now. I did not just wake up, I just haven’t went to bed.
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I had a fantastic outing with Jewin, the so called useless “boyfriend”, and Jitz, my Ah Seng. *laughs* :D

I can’t believe the three of us actually drove down all the way to Ikea just for Ikea food. Yeah I’m serious, we didnt buy no shits from Ikea except food.

Oh okaaay la, Jitz bought two flower watering cans for his mommy. Thanks to that, I’ve gotten a free carpark at Ikea too! Call me cheap whatever, in my language it’s called rationally budget. HAHA

Unfortunately Gillie couldn’t tag along with us today.

The three of us decided to yamcha at SS2 after Ikea food. Settled down at this place called Island Cafe. While Jewin was in the midst of telling his story, suddenly *PAAAAPP*.

Something fell from top and landed right on his cap, which he was wearing, of course.

Guess what was it?

?????

A cockroach. Big flying cockroach. A fucking.  BIG. flying. cockroach.

And the moment we settled down from that horrible “tragedy”, *PAAAAAAP*, yet again.

The cockroach landed on the partition on my left, which was just about 2cm away from me, and height exactly just above my head when I’m seated on the chair.

I’ve never heard myself screamed thaaaaat loud, and jumped that high and fast away from anything.

After that second horrible “tragedy”, I swore to God that if I had my camera along with me, I would snap a real good photo of the cockroach posing in that restaurant, and make a GOOOOD review out of it for them, hence publish on World Wide Web and share this with all the food review bloggers.

Pfft.

Okay, that has nothing to do with my title of this post today.
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Now, on appreciations.

Is it only my curiousity, or do others also question the same?

When I was a little girl, I remembered asking Mommy,

“Does someone have to die to be remembered and appreciated?”

“No, silly, why would you ask?”

“Then why famous painters like Leonardo da Vinci was never famous during his living years and his works were only appreciated and worth millions after his death?”
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Is it actually human nature to not appreciate something? Or are we just freely accusing human nature just so someone or something could take this blame?

Why do people have to lose something, only then to realize the lost and the appreciation that should have been given not only after death?

I wish some people would learn to see with their heart, and not just with their bare eyes. If one tries so hard to grab hold of this another one and only to cause losses of all his/her other beloveds, what worth does it make?

I myself do not want to learn this the hard way.
I myself want to assure myself that I see with my heart, and not just with my bare eyes.

I believe the quote that says, “Do not believe what you see, believe what you feel”.

Do you?
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I don’t know if Daddy and Mommy are reading this. I want them to know that I appreciate them a whole lot. As years go by, and I grow maturedly older, I learned to appreciate more. I’ve learnt to undestand that what they do is because they love me. Everything they do for me is because they care for me. They love me and care for me with their sincere hearts.

I am not a daddy’s girl. Neither am I a mommy’s girl.

I once read that one could only choose to be either a daddy’s girl or a mommy’s girl. One can never be both.

Well I’m neither one. Neither both. Does that make me a terrible daughter? I am starting to wonder if I could have been better. If I could, could I still have been myself? If I could, could have things been better then? Or just even more terribly different?

I know my sister Lynn reads my blog. And I respect her not only because she is my elder sister, but because of a woman she has turned into, a person with great responsibilities, always with a positive mind, never giving up in supporting me, and the success and happiness she has brought not only into her life, but also in mine and in the family.

I still wish that I could be both daddy’s and mommy’s girl. Till no matter how big I grow, or how old I turn into, I still want to be a daddy’s girl and a mommy’s girl. I will never want to let them go.

The scar left in me in the past is not forgotten, but it is forgiven. Though it may not ever be the same anymore now, but I hope I am too forgiven for all the scars I left in you.

I hope I never really had disappointed you much as a daughter.
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Some people must learn to appreciate; To appreciate what they already have, and not to neglect what they already have only to ask for more.

Have you not thought about those less fortunate than yourself?

People have to first learn to appreciate themselves; To learn to love themselves. Because without doing so, you are no human worth any elses’ love.

We have to learn to appreciate. Appreciate things that we have. Appreciate the people who love and cherish us. Appreciate the friends who are true. Appreciate what God has given.

And I myself hope that as far till now, I at least have quite a clear picture of what appreciation is.

Though there might be some more room for improvements and knowledge right there, but I suppose I had a good start. At least I did not have to learn it the very hard way.
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*Breathes*
I cannot believe I typed for an hour. Well though not a very long post, I suppose those weren’t very easy words to come out with. Most importantly, I meant every word I said.

And now, I suppose I learnt that it’s time I appreciate a good night’s sleep and not a morning’s sleep. And tonight with Jitz and Jewin, I appreciated the times we friends spent together.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, FAMILY; Father And Mother (and Lynn) I Love You.
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If I could use this 3-months-holiday to take two steps behind everything, just turn my back, and walk away from everyone that I know, I would feel….

….would feel….. Sigh. Frankly even I myself do not know how I would feel.

Well I just feel that I want to step away.

Things haven’t been happening and flowing correctly according to as planned or scheduled lately. It is very depressing, truthfully. I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ll be starting my part-time work from tomorrow onwards. It’s an office job, the old place where I used to work before, ECMI. I cannot lie that the job is indeed not fun and interesting at all (it’s telemarketing, what do you expect), but I cannot lie even more that I really need to work and earn some money.

So from Monday till Fridays, i’ll be working. In an office. Sitting on those office chairs from 9-6pm. Till my arse grows huge horizontally. Facing monitors. Picking up calls. Listening to unbearable complaints. And… ah, must I go on?

You get the picture.

Practically, every of my weekdays from tomorrow onwards is going to be like a disasterous bomb on dead working Mondays. Everyday is going to feel like a Monday.

And on weekends, I’ll be teaching art in Da Vinci Art Centre, the Puchong outlet. Teaching kids art is not as easy as I thought it would be. Well thankfully, I might be able to teach the advance class. I’m still having my fingers crossed.

Well like I said, things haven’t been going too well, not quite to as planned.. or at least, hoped.
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My financial part of life is going downhill just like the Asian stock market in 1998, or 2008.

My social life is as sad as a lonely new geek in school.
What happened to all the parties? I haven’t been catching up with a lot of friends. I miss a lot of people right now. I miss all my old friends.

My everyday life at home lately is as boring as an old sick patient in a hospital waiting for his/her time to come to leave Earth.

My love life, my.. why did I even mention it. It’s been as quiet as the lonely streets at night.

My educational part of life is as stressful as having 365 tasks to complete within 24 hours.
Because I’m being left hanging, only curious to know more about the progress in the UK scholarship.
I really want to go to UK!
Why am I not rich!
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And everything that was once close to me, is being secretly and silently taken away. What have I done that I deserve such a scene?

Dear God,

If this is to repay for all my sins that I have done, then consider myself punished, my Lord.

Amen.
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I kept telling myself, things cannot get any worse. I kept motivating myself, the past is the past, and a bright future awaits. I kept convincing myself that I must go on, knowing as though there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

And I know…

…that somewhere over the rainbow, may not be this time, but maybe some other time soon….
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, God taught me that Life Is Fair. And I chose to believe in Him.
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