Cheryl Ho’s Blog

I’ve been down. Things had been invisibly hard lately. Classes are starting back to normal from tomorrow onwards. I’m upset, and I don’t feel like returning back to uni.

The moment I step in Limkokwing tomorrow morning, is the moment I know I have to stop avoiding my problems, my issues and all of the things that I have yet to settle.

But it’s not that simple as how you count your 1, 2, 3s, or say your ABCs.
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I just received my Sem1 results a few days ago. So what if I earned myself 2 A+s, an A and 2 A-s? Straight As? So what? Is that good and far enough to earn me a scholarship? In Limkokwing, that’s not all that it takes. It’s depressing and very demotivating. Sometimes the people assigned to be there to help you out, is indeed not very helpful at all.

I have to go through all the procedues in applying all these shits all over again. And what would I get this time? Oh perhaps the same shit whereby the staff incharge who was SUPPOSE to help me, lost all my documents and application form and acted like nothing ever happened and it has got one bit nothing to do with him?

What if I fail to receive a scholarship? What if the government loan PTPTN doesn’t approve 100% loan? Where am I going to find cold hard cash to pay this lum sum of fees? Are they going to kick me out of class if I cannot afford to pay?

You know, this fees and financial thing has been a thorn in my body for many many months. It’s utmost depressing to even think about it. I feel really stressed out. But I don’t want my family to know how big the impossibility of me getting a scholarship is. I don’t want to be a burden to my family, especially to my mom.

My mom has already used an amount of money to pay for my first semester. And I don’t want her to pay a single cent more for me. I know clearly of my family’s situation, and I want to prove to them all, that I can do it, on my own, I can pull through this. But what have I achieved till now?

Nothing.

I’m in a stage where I feel very disappointed with my ownself. I feel useless and demotivated.

I even had the thought of stopping my studies at the moment, and work to earn some money first, so that I can pay off for my own fees. Indeed I was sort of given an offer to work for a long term. In this short term that I’ve worked part time as a freelancer for events, exhibitions and roadshows, honestly I did receive a few good offers from a few companies and offices, for a long term job.

Without even considering, I thanked them for their kind offer, but I am still studying. I am still a student. I have yet to graduate and I have 3 more years to go.

Then again, when I was alone by myself, I thought to myself. Yes indeed I am still studying. Indeed I am still a student; A student who cannot afford to pay for her educational fees.
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I cannot believe I actually considered quiting my studies for the time being, and work first. I did not mention this to my family at all, until the day I lightly brought this matter up to my elder sister. And she disagreed strongly. She said, “Once you stop studying, you will never want to continue studying. And I will never let you do that.”

Which I think, it is rather true.

Which is why, I’ve not given up till today. I don’t know how the roads are ahead of me, I don’t know if there would be a bridge over the river ahead of me, I don’t know when will it rain or shine. But I know, I must hang on.
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Sometimes, it hurts me a lot when my family puts it in such a way as though I don’t understand anything, as though I don’t know what the situation is like now. Things they say would always put me in a place as though I still have a very inmatured thinking and not independent.

But what they didn’t know is, I really do know everything… very clearly. Since I was 11,  I had been more matured and independent of a child at my age would be.. I took the heart and effort to try to understand what actually is going on in this family, in this world. And I understood.

I could have chosen to avoid understanding and continue being the youngest-in-the-family-daughter. But I didn’t. And I’ve never regreted that. Sometimes I do question myself,are all of these burden and issues and complications too much to be beared by a simple 18 year old teenager like me? I bothered to question, but I didn’t bother for an answer. Because it wouldn’t matter. Because I know we’re a family… and that is why, sometimes….. I wish they would understand me too.
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Friends are the people in life that can bring you up. Rarely did I know, they’re also the people who can bring you down. Have things really change? If it didn’t had for us, why should it have been for you? Are we not the ones you wish to share your laughs and cries with anymore?

Don’t go. Don’t change.. Please…
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Classes are starting tomorrow onwards. So i guess it’s back to the 7am alarm, bathe, dress up, eat, college routine again. I wonder how harsh assignments are gonna be this sem. I hope still kind enough to spare my life a little.

The only thing that makes me look forward to right now is hanging out with my friends for a drink, yamcha and chit chat on our regular Friday nights. Perhaps it’s the best time, place and people to release everything out to? Somehow with them, I would never forget who I am, and I would never feel lost and down.

Lately things had been hard and happening all at the same time. So it’s rather hard to control. But I’ve always believed for a better tomorrow. At least this is just “lately”, and not “forever”.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, I miss you all a lot all of a sudden..

Last Tuesday, which was the day I met up with Yen, well before that, I met up with my high school friends. A few of them. I picked James up from school. And it was reaaaallly good seeing him. I haven’t seen him since SPM results night. That was in March. IF THAT ISN’T YEARSSS THAN WHAT IS IT
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Well initially the plan was just to have lunch in Taipan or something. Then Michelle said the others would be going to Swensons, for some cheap 50% ice cream. Swenson’s Every-Tuesday’s-Offer thingy.

Well you know Malaysians, and discounts.

So, poor James. He didn’t bring along any clothes with him. So all the way until at the end of the day, he kept bugging and complaining to me about how lame it was that he’s wearing Form6 cool school uniform out.

But hey James, at least you’re not green!
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Swenson’s ice cream was shitty. Pardon me for being frank. Well if there wasn’t any 50% off, it wouldn’t even be worth paying for. No actually, even with the 50% off, it’s still not worth paying for!

I’d rather spend a lil more and have better ice cream at Baskins or something. Even Mat Kool is cooler.
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Time has passed, and times have changed.

Seeing James the other day really made me recall back about a lot of memories in high school. I miss high school a lot. My class of 5Amanah was ZEE bomb. All the jokes, lame and funny, ups and downs, success and failures, we shared them all together in that very class.

High school was a very fun place to be at, well apart from SPM and exams and shits. Heh

Well, we only left high school less than a year. We’re only 18 this year. But many friends have already gone far away, some drifted far apart, some not even a call or a text, and some just totally lost contact of.

If this is how it’s like when it’s 18, what about when we’re 25?

Where’re we gonna be when we turn 25?

Will there still be our regular Friday nights yamcha session in OTK Taipan? What about our once-in-a-while partying and clubbing times? Our birthday celebrations?
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It’s just sad to accept the fact that people do change along with time. Well, some for the better. And sadly, some for the worse.

Why is it that we humans never stop asking? We never stop asking for more. When will we learn to stop, and learn that when enough is enough? Perhaps, “enough” is not even in our vocabulary. I suppose the only way we’ll ever stop asking, is when God stops granting what we’re asking for.

And when that happens, isn’t it already a little too late?

Is it that hard for us to learn how to be happy with what is already being granted?

It’s no wonder we’re claimed to be the most complicating and complex creatures on Earth.
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I’m just missing the old times a lot. College is not all that bad, but it isn’t the same as high school. And the things you do, and the people around you, aren’t the same anymore. I miss all my high school friends.

If you’re lost, just turn to your back and you’ll find a road that you have once travelled. And that is the road, that we have walked together.
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OH WELLL

Moving on. You knowwwww what the helllll?

Tonight was my college’s Freshies Night for Sem2, and I damn right didn’t have a clue about it. Plus, my coll mates are going to Hops and Grapes for an after party.

Pffft. Oh well. Never mind. I had fun at home too, watching all my downloaded TVB series. Very nice, being Chinese at home watching Chinese drama.

Okay lah, it’s getting very early now. I meant, early in the morning of the next day. So…. take care all, more updates soon.

Before I leave,
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Retard. Whatever.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, …always talking bout watchu got

Have you ever lost something so precious and valuable?

Think hard. Cos I’ve realised, I had.

I did not lose a ‘thing’ as it is not an object nor a human, but I know I’ve lost something.
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Where were all the times that we used to be so close? Have they all went long lost gone?

What happened to the times when we were still able to communicate with each other sweetly? Have I grown too big or have you grown old for it?

Why is it so hard for the both of us to talk to one another? Why does every conversation has to end up in misery, sadness and tears?

Do I deserve to be in this situation? Do WE deserve to face this? Even so, isn’t it going on for too long? How long more should this or will this go on, since life is simply just too short?
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I miss the younger days when I was still a little girl, before life removed all the innocence. I was my daddy’s little girl. And I……… I miss how my daddy and I used to have so much fun together. I just miss it……. all.

Remember those times back then how we used to go for joy rides in the car together? I was still too small to know the importance of wearing a seatbelt. You hadda always wear it for me, remember that daddy?

Remember how I like the windows wined down, and my thin hair flies all over my face, it’s windy and I would put my face by the window and just stare blankly at the skies?

Remember how you loved fooling me with tiny jokes and tricks? Like saying how this candy company, Trebor, wanted to use your name for their sweets, but you refused to allow them to do so, and in the end they used the reverse of your name? You remember that daddy? I wouldn’t have forgotten that one for life, it was not only a good trick, but it was also my first.

Remember how I loved art so much, and every occasion I would make mom and you cards? Birthday cards, Father’s Day cards, Anniversary cards. All sorts. They weren’t thousand dollars artwork, but I did them with my whole heart sincerely.

Remember also the time you brought me to the park, and I was having so much fun, I banged my tiny forehead real hard onto the pole? I went home with a huge red bump on my forehead, and mommy was shocked and started screaming at us? Remember that?

I remember, everything.  Do you, daddy?

What happened to now?

Have I disappointed you in any ways? Have I done much wrong? Have I hurt you so? Have I been a bad daughter? At least, talk to my heart softly, what have I done wrong?

I’ve always tried to impress you, since I ever knew how to read, or write, or even draw. Until now. I never stopped trying. Every bit I do, I’d do my best and hoped to make you proud. I understand how daddys dont tend to show exactly what they feel on the outside, but that’s alright. I just wish and hope there is something in my life that I’ve done so far, that has made you proud of in your heart.
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Why can’t we get along well anymore? I’m sorry to say, I find it really hard to talk to you now dad. I’m afraid to disappoint you. I’m afraid of making you mad. I’m afraid to hear your loud tones. I’m afraid to speak. I’m afraid of you.

And now, I’m tired of being afraid.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying every single time thinking or talking about this.

I miss the old times. I don’t want to feel as though I’m just a burden to you and to the family.
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Why is it that everything I say just seems so wrong to you? And you would cut me off with the sharpest words, and…  it actually hurts dad, a lot.

Why is it that everything I do is wrong to you? Have I not done anything right before? Have I not said anything right before?

Is wrong all you see in me?

If so, then as a daughter, I must have failed terribly.
If so, I apologize for all my wrongdoings. For all those times if I ever had hurt or disappointed you in any ways. I’m sorry dad.
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I’m sorry these had to come out from me through this, and not directly to you. It’s already so hard, and now it’s getting harder.

I’ve just realized how far apart we’ve drifted, and how an awkwardness atmosphere is slowly building surrounding us. It’s hard to talk to each other, you know it, and I know it. But I don’t hope to lose you any more further.

I’m sorry these words had to come out, but I’ve kept it too long in me, and it’s taking over me. Though I keep myself strong both inside and outside, but every human has their weak points. I’ve already lost part of you, and part of the love we use to share. I don’t want to lose myself.

If you ever happened to read this, mom, dad, …..  I am just……. so very sorry, for I could not or did not live up to be the best daughter you both could have.

Dad, Mom, ….. I love you both everyday of my life.

I don’t know how to handle a complicated heart.
I don’t know what to do, or what to say.
I don’t know what we did, or what we said..
I dont know what you’re feeling, what you’re facing..
I don’t know where to go from here…

I just… don’t know…

How long more does this has to go on? How long more do I have to feel this way? These questions just kept bugging me through…

…and I soon began to realize, I’m slowly losing my path, losing my way, and I’ve never felt this lost. Never. I lose my words every single time I try to talk it over. I lose my guts to speak about it when I’m with you. I’m not as positive as I used to be..

…I’m slowly losing myself.

Is it that hard? Why?

What am I supposed to do.. or what is there that I can or should do. Is it my wrong for this had happened or is happening? Even if it is, I don’t think ’sorry’ would solve any issues now. I don’t want to let this take over me, but everytime I think about it, I’d just wished if only tears could spell the words that I’ve lost, or at least draw me a picture of my lost path.

Lost, is all that I am, and all that I’m feeling. It’s a fucking complicated heart.. with a fucking complicated scene.

Just for these few words here, most of them repetitive indeed, it took me 2 hours 40 minutes to put it all down here. That’s how lost and complicated I’m feeling.