Cheryl Ho’s Blog

I’ve been down. Things had been invisibly hard lately. Classes are starting back to normal from tomorrow onwards. I’m upset, and I don’t feel like returning back to uni.The moment I step in Limkokwing tomorrow morning, is the moment I know I have to stop avoiding my problems, my issues and all of the things that I have yet to settle.

But it’s not that simple as how you count your 1, 2, 3s, or say your ABCs.
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I just received my Sem1 results a few days ago. So what if I earned myself 2 A+s, an A and 2 A-s? Straight As? So what? Is that good and far enough to earn me a scholarship? In Limkokwing, that’s not all that it takes. It’s depressing and very demotivating. Sometimes the people assigned to be there to help you out, is indeed not very helpful at all.

I have to go through all the procedues in applying all these shits all over again. And what would I get this time? Oh perhaps the same shit whereby the staff incharge who was SUPPOSE to help me, lost all my documents and application form and acted like nothing ever happened and it has got one bit nothing to do with him?

What if I fail to receive a scholarship? What if the government loan PTPTN doesn’t approve 100% loan? Where am I going to find cold hard cash to pay this lum sum of fees? Are they going to kick me out of class if I cannot afford to pay?

You know, this fees and financial thing has been a thorn in my body for many many months. It’s utmost depressing to even think about it. I feel really stressed out. But I don’t want my family to know how big the impossibility of me getting a scholarship is. I don’t want to be a burden to my family, especially to my mom.

My mom has already used an amount of money to pay for my first semester. And I don’t want her to pay a single cent more for me. I know clearly of my family’s situation, and I want to prove to them all, that I can do it, on my own, I can pull through this. But what have I achieved till now?

Nothing.

I’m in a stage where I feel very disappointed with my ownself. I feel useless and demotivated.

I even had the thought of stopping my studies at the moment, and work to earn some money first, so that I can pay off for my own fees. Indeed I was sort of given an offer to work for a long term. In this short term that I’ve worked part time as a freelancer for events, exhibitions and roadshows, honestly I did receive a few good offers from a few companies and offices, for a long term job.

Without even considering, I thanked them for their kind offer, but I am still studying. I am still a student. I have yet to graduate and I have 3 more years to go.

Then again, when I was alone by myself, I thought to myself. Yes indeed I am still studying. Indeed I am still a student; A student who cannot afford to pay for her educational fees.
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I cannot believe I actually considered quiting my studies for the time being, and work first. I did not mention this to my family at all, until the day I lightly brought this matter up to my elder sister. And she disagreed strongly. She said, “Once you stop studying, you will never want to continue studying. And I will never let you do that.”

Which I think, it is rather true.

Which is why, I’ve not given up till today. I don’t know how the roads are ahead of me, I don’t know if there would be a bridge over the river ahead of me, I don’t know when will it rain or shine. But I know, I must hang on.
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Sometimes, it hurts me a lot when my family puts it in such a way as though I don’t understand anything, as though I don’t know what the situation is like now. Things they say would always put me in a place as though I still have a very inmatured thinking and not independent.

But what they didn’t know is, I really do know everything… very clearly. Since I was 11,  I had been more matured and independent of a child at my age would be.. I took the heart and effort to try to understand what actually is going on in this family, in this world. And I understood.

I could have chosen to avoid understanding and continue being the youngest-in-the-family-daughter. But I didn’t. And I’ve never regreted that. Sometimes I do question myself,are all of these burden and issues and complications too much to be beared by a simple 18 year old teenager like me? I bothered to question, but I didn’t bother for an answer. Because it wouldn’t matter. Because I know we’re a family… and that is why, sometimes….. I wish they would understand me too.
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Friends are the people in life that can bring you up. Rarely did I know, they’re also the people who can bring you down. Have things really change? If it didn’t had for us, why should it have been for you? Are we not the ones you wish to share your laughs and cries with anymore?

Don’t go. Don’t change.. Please…
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Classes are starting tomorrow onwards. So i guess it’s back to the 7am alarm, bathe, dress up, eat, college routine again. I wonder how harsh assignments are gonna be this sem. I hope still kind enough to spare my life a little.

The only thing that makes me look forward to right now is hanging out with my friends for a drink, yamcha and chit chat on our regular Friday nights. Perhaps it’s the best time, place and people to release everything out to? Somehow with them, I would never forget who I am, and I would never feel lost and down.

Lately things had been hard and happening all at the same time. So it’s rather hard to control. But I’ve always believed for a better tomorrow. At least this is just “lately”, and not “forever”.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, I miss you all a lot all of a sudden..