Cheryl Ho’s Blog

Have you ever lost something so precious and valuable?

Think hard. Cos I’ve realised, I had.

I did not lose a ‘thing’ as it is not an object nor a human, but I know I’ve lost something.
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Where were all the times that we used to be so close? Have they all went long lost gone?

What happened to the times when we were still able to communicate with each other sweetly? Have I grown too big or have you grown old for it?

Why is it so hard for the both of us to talk to one another? Why does every conversation has to end up in misery, sadness and tears?

Do I deserve to be in this situation? Do WE deserve to face this? Even so, isn’t it going on for too long? How long more should this or will this go on, since life is simply just too short?
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I miss the younger days when I was still a little girl, before life removed all the innocence. I was my daddy’s little girl. And I……… I miss how my daddy and I used to have so much fun together. I just miss it……. all.

Remember those times back then how we used to go for joy rides in the car together? I was still too small to know the importance of wearing a seatbelt. You hadda always wear it for me, remember that daddy?

Remember how I like the windows wined down, and my thin hair flies all over my face, it’s windy and I would put my face by the window and just stare blankly at the skies?

Remember how you loved fooling me with tiny jokes and tricks? Like saying how this candy company, Trebor, wanted to use your name for their sweets, but you refused to allow them to do so, and in the end they used the reverse of your name? You remember that daddy? I wouldn’t have forgotten that one for life, it was not only a good trick, but it was also my first.

Remember how I loved art so much, and every occasion I would make mom and you cards? Birthday cards, Father’s Day cards, Anniversary cards. All sorts. They weren’t thousand dollars artwork, but I did them with my whole heart sincerely.

Remember also the time you brought me to the park, and I was having so much fun, I banged my tiny forehead real hard onto the pole? I went home with a huge red bump on my forehead, and mommy was shocked and started screaming at us? Remember that?

I remember, everything.  Do you, daddy?

What happened to now?

Have I disappointed you in any ways? Have I done much wrong? Have I hurt you so? Have I been a bad daughter? At least, talk to my heart softly, what have I done wrong?

I’ve always tried to impress you, since I ever knew how to read, or write, or even draw. Until now. I never stopped trying. Every bit I do, I’d do my best and hoped to make you proud. I understand how daddys dont tend to show exactly what they feel on the outside, but that’s alright. I just wish and hope there is something in my life that I’ve done so far, that has made you proud of in your heart.
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Why can’t we get along well anymore? I’m sorry to say, I find it really hard to talk to you now dad. I’m afraid to disappoint you. I’m afraid of making you mad. I’m afraid to hear your loud tones. I’m afraid to speak. I’m afraid of you.

And now, I’m tired of being afraid.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying every single time thinking or talking about this.

I miss the old times. I don’t want to feel as though I’m just a burden to you and to the family.
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Why is it that everything I say just seems so wrong to you? And you would cut me off with the sharpest words, and…  it actually hurts dad, a lot.

Why is it that everything I do is wrong to you? Have I not done anything right before? Have I not said anything right before?

Is wrong all you see in me?

If so, then as a daughter, I must have failed terribly.
If so, I apologize for all my wrongdoings. For all those times if I ever had hurt or disappointed you in any ways. I’m sorry dad.
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I’m sorry these had to come out from me through this, and not directly to you. It’s already so hard, and now it’s getting harder.

I’ve just realized how far apart we’ve drifted, and how an awkwardness atmosphere is slowly building surrounding us. It’s hard to talk to each other, you know it, and I know it. But I don’t hope to lose you any more further.

I’m sorry these words had to come out, but I’ve kept it too long in me, and it’s taking over me. Though I keep myself strong both inside and outside, but every human has their weak points. I’ve already lost part of you, and part of the love we use to share. I don’t want to lose myself.

If you ever happened to read this, mom, dad, …..  I am just……. so very sorry, for I could not or did not live up to be the best daughter you both could have.

Dad, Mom, ….. I love you both everyday of my life.