Cheryl Ho’s Blog

Have you ever lost something so precious and valuable?

Think hard. Cos I’ve realised, I had.

I did not lose a ‘thing’ as it is not an object nor a human, but I know I’ve lost something.
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Where were all the times that we used to be so close? Have they all went long lost gone?

What happened to the times when we were still able to communicate with each other sweetly? Have I grown too big or have you grown old for it?

Why is it so hard for the both of us to talk to one another? Why does every conversation has to end up in misery, sadness and tears?

Do I deserve to be in this situation? Do WE deserve to face this? Even so, isn’t it going on for too long? How long more should this or will this go on, since life is simply just too short?
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I miss the younger days when I was still a little girl, before life removed all the innocence. I was my daddy’s little girl. And I……… I miss how my daddy and I used to have so much fun together. I just miss it……. all.

Remember those times back then how we used to go for joy rides in the car together? I was still too small to know the importance of wearing a seatbelt. You hadda always wear it for me, remember that daddy?

Remember how I like the windows wined down, and my thin hair flies all over my face, it’s windy and I would put my face by the window and just stare blankly at the skies?

Remember how you loved fooling me with tiny jokes and tricks? Like saying how this candy company, Trebor, wanted to use your name for their sweets, but you refused to allow them to do so, and in the end they used the reverse of your name? You remember that daddy? I wouldn’t have forgotten that one for life, it was not only a good trick, but it was also my first.

Remember how I loved art so much, and every occasion I would make mom and you cards? Birthday cards, Father’s Day cards, Anniversary cards. All sorts. They weren’t thousand dollars artwork, but I did them with my whole heart sincerely.

Remember also the time you brought me to the park, and I was having so much fun, I banged my tiny forehead real hard onto the pole? I went home with a huge red bump on my forehead, and mommy was shocked and started screaming at us? Remember that?

I remember, everything.  Do you, daddy?

What happened to now?

Have I disappointed you in any ways? Have I done much wrong? Have I hurt you so? Have I been a bad daughter? At least, talk to my heart softly, what have I done wrong?

I’ve always tried to impress you, since I ever knew how to read, or write, or even draw. Until now. I never stopped trying. Every bit I do, I’d do my best and hoped to make you proud. I understand how daddys dont tend to show exactly what they feel on the outside, but that’s alright. I just wish and hope there is something in my life that I’ve done so far, that has made you proud of in your heart.
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Why can’t we get along well anymore? I’m sorry to say, I find it really hard to talk to you now dad. I’m afraid to disappoint you. I’m afraid of making you mad. I’m afraid to hear your loud tones. I’m afraid to speak. I’m afraid of you.

And now, I’m tired of being afraid.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying every single time thinking or talking about this.

I miss the old times. I don’t want to feel as though I’m just a burden to you and to the family.
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Why is it that everything I say just seems so wrong to you? And you would cut me off with the sharpest words, and…  it actually hurts dad, a lot.

Why is it that everything I do is wrong to you? Have I not done anything right before? Have I not said anything right before?

Is wrong all you see in me?

If so, then as a daughter, I must have failed terribly.
If so, I apologize for all my wrongdoings. For all those times if I ever had hurt or disappointed you in any ways. I’m sorry dad.
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I’m sorry these had to come out from me through this, and not directly to you. It’s already so hard, and now it’s getting harder.

I’ve just realized how far apart we’ve drifted, and how an awkwardness atmosphere is slowly building surrounding us. It’s hard to talk to each other, you know it, and I know it. But I don’t hope to lose you any more further.

I’m sorry these words had to come out, but I’ve kept it too long in me, and it’s taking over me. Though I keep myself strong both inside and outside, but every human has their weak points. I’ve already lost part of you, and part of the love we use to share. I don’t want to lose myself.

If you ever happened to read this, mom, dad, …..  I am just……. so very sorry, for I could not or did not live up to be the best daughter you both could have.

Dad, Mom, ….. I love you both everyday of my life.

And just when I thought I could maybe slowly disappear from the world of blogging and hide my face somewhere in between the rocks in some unknown island…but I guess I just couldn’t.

Two weeks of not blogging and not updating. I know la I’m missing out the biggest update. SPM shits right.. yea yea yea.

I’m damn blardy depressed lah.. I guess what I mentioned in my previous post, about me having one and only one picture in my mind and stuffs, were really wrong. I’ve gotten the another side of the picture which I’ve never imagined, ever.

So yeah.

7As. 1B. 1C. I was thinking to myself, maybe my B and C is like History.. and Physics or something. But it turned out to be Moral a B, and BM a C, for which, mind you, my Moral and BM was always A1s in school exams, especially my BM! And I got a freaking C. Yeah, C for cheryl huh. Balls lah.

Ugh.

Okay. I’m obviously damn unhappy with it, until now. But screw it lah, what can I do right? I’ve just sent in my application form for The Star scholarship, and perhaps maybe the receiver at the helpdesk opening my envelope is gonna flip through my documents.. check my name, IC..etc.. move over to my certs, see my results.. then straight laugh and shut close the file. Rejected.
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ANYWAY, screw that. Let’s talk about my uni. The past weeks we had orientation activities, and one of which is to design a kite and make it fly.
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We drew that from a blank piece of paper, and coloured every single thing on that artpiece with crayon. Tiring you know..
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….which wasn’t completed yet. Lol

And when I got bored waiting for my sister to pick me up from coll, I drew a few stuffs.. like sketches and shits. Yeah.
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Don’t mind this piece la, this was drawn really quick.. like about 10 minutes rough sketch and hard shading. so yeah.. :)
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This is some rhythmic and repeated drawing of flowers, leaves and all.. nothing biggie.

And one thing that I’m damn proud of ah… is that…. my design for the school’s Minda magazine front cover 2007 is now being used as the report card book’s front cover.. starting from Form 1s 2008.

Nyiahahaha. :)
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Bangga sial..

Lately in college, I’ve been eating damn alot. And food there is not one bit cheap. Sometimes we stuff ourselves with junkfood during snack time. Hell lotta junk, seriously.
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Very unhealthy diet. But I tak puas lahhhhh.. everything there is so expensive. I need to earn more money man, really.

I have some life stories to share, but I’m not quite in the mood to do the long tping now. Next day it’ll be. Till then, much love all.
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, the Chinese.

Remember I mentioned earlier about my college’s gala organized for us freshmen? Yeah, here are some pics, not many though.. cos if you still do remember, my camera batteries are all dead (as in dead for good), and I’ve not bought any replacements for the time being. SO, YES. In short, I didn’t have good batteries that could last longer that night.
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The function began with loads and loads of different great performances from senior students of Limkokwing, and some Limkokwing grads, and even some weren’t from LKW; for example we had performances from champion winning bands from Blast Off, some dancers who’re associated with Disney (so I heard).. and yeah, loads more.

Oh and before I move on, let’s have a short Get-To-Know session here with my new friends at college.
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(sorry a lil blur aye)
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That’s Veen (Praveen, but we just call her Veen) on the left, and Natalie on the right. Veen’s doing Foundation in Design (FDI) just like I am! And she so happens to love photography as well. Eheh.. On the third day of college, we both were already going ga-ga talking about buying our own DSLRs.
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Ann, actually Anita but Ann is what we call her, is doing Foundation in Mass Communications. So is Kiki. Kiki’s name is actually Kieren, but I guess she decided the nickname Kiki over Kieren maybe because she wanted to sound kinky rather than punjabi-ish.

Ah yes.

Kiki and Veen are both sisters, and they’re Punjabi mixed Philipinos. Kiki is the elder sister, don’t get confused. They’re not twins. Kiki just changed her course from business to mass comm this year, so yeah. I like to call her Kinky Kiki, because she hates it. Eheh
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Okay, now.. My college is in Cyberjaya, and I’m living in Putra Heights. And having my college to have 70% international students, and the much fewer ones are local students.. Now you tell me, what are the odds of me finding a friend who lives in Putra Heights as well? Oh not to forget, on the FIRST day of college that is?

Pfft.

Like zero odds aye?
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(the picture quality is not very good I know, sorry. not the nicest shot of sarra, but she’s a real chiq ;) )
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Ah, yes.

I met this girl, Sarra. Yuup. Who lives in Putra Heights. 4 rows down from my house. Ya’goddat right.

Looks like I’m pretty lucky aye.

Anyway, after the performances all ended bout 11pm something, they started the party for us. We have this party room in Limkokwing where you can organize personal parties there.. it’s something like a clubbing space. So yeah, that’s when all the dancing and music and party all began. The DJs were good, and we all danced like hell. And sweat like cows, seriously.
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Well of course I have many more other friends in coll, many from different parts of the world infact, just that I can’t be snapping each and every one’s photo and post it up here, can I? Besides, Veen, Kiki, Ann and Sarra are my closest friends in college. So.. yeah =)
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You know one thing about leaving high school?

It’s not about going to college and thinking it’s so cool going to college. It’s not about not needing to wear school uniforms anymore (well, partially yes.. but…).

Well it’s not just all those.

It’s that, you still will never forget your times in high school. I miss every moment in secondary 5 with all my friends. All the retarded and funny lame moments and jokes and chats we shared together. I’ve not forgotten any one of my friends no matter how far they’ve gone (that includes you Gillie, tho you weren’t in secondary 5 with us). I miss them all.

And one of the biggest reasons why I’m thinking back so much about high school?

SPM RESULTS. ON 12TH MARCH.

Dammit.

Well in a way, I’m glad it’s finally officially gonna be released out (considering they conned us on 28th February 2008). But in another way, I’m damn tensed and stressed up these few days for God knows why.

You see, one thing about me, or in me, is this. Listen. I began Form 4 in Pure Science, and only learnt a few months of Biology, and decided to ditch that shit. In Form 5, I had a clear picture of me not taking Biology for SPM. And so I tried my very hardest to opt Biology out of my subject options. Unfortunately, in the end, I couldn’t, and Biology was still gonna be in my SPM cert.

But that didn’t stop me from not taking it. I just didn’t attend for Biology papers during SPM. So to myself, and what I tell everyone, is that I took only 9 subjects. I’ve set this in my mind so hard already, you get it?

So the one and only picture of my future life until I graduate from my university is this; — I take 9 subjects for SPM. I’ll get 9As. I apply for a scholarship from my uni or The Star. And I receive a full scholarship from whichever. So my whole education in uni is all paid for. I excel in my education in uni. I graduate as one of the best students from LKW Uni.

And that’s the one and only picture I had and stored in my mind since end of Form 4.

But the thing here is, I’ve never pictured the process of me achieving all those, or how am I going to reach all of my goals above. I’ve never questioned myself HOW. I just pictured the final outcome of what I wanted and what I needed. And it’s so amazing how I could picture every one moment of it as if it was really going to happen. It feels so real.
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I wasn’t any straight As student back in Form5. I was no smarty pants or brainy kid. Nuh uh.

I failed my Add Maths once. I keep getting Grade Ds for Add Maths for quite a term. I’ve never scored well in History. I never listened in Biology or Physics classes. I’ve never gotten an A for Physics before. And yet, I really, seriously swear that I’ve never wondered or questioned myself, "How am I going to achieve 9As for SPM, and earn myself a scholarship." I’ve never. Never.

I know, sounds utterly ridiculous, doesn’t it?

But I’m not lying or kidding. Nor exaggerating.

I’ve never realized this till bout 2-3 weeks ago, when I was excitingly wondering when will the SPM results will be coming out. And that’s when all of a sudden, I realized that I have always had only one picture in my head, and no other.

Now that the results are just 3 days away, I’ve been stressing up a lot these few days. Now I’ve started to wonder, what if my picture was wrong? What if my picture was just a picture, and that it’ll not come to life? I’m beginning to see other pictures now. Pictures way different from the one picture that I’ve always had in mind.

Cos I know, I have to prepare myself for the worst. If I do not score what I pictured to score, and if I can’t get the full scholarship, I’ve to prepare to apply for PTPTN; the government loan.

I think I now see where all the stress and tension are coming from. All the things that I have to apply for once the results are out.. so many things to be settled and done.. and I’m feeling so lost these few days. Ugh.. Why can’t I just be rich.. sheeesh.
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Anyway, Michelle’s brother, Derrick got married yesterday. Congrats Derrick and Joan! :)  Michelle and I were too busy during the wedding dinner helping out with the accounting and reception to take photos. So we had other people who helped took photos instead.

Will see if I can get them and upload some.
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Michelle on the right, and Myself on the left.
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And before I end, all the best to all SPM and SPAM 2007 candidates for the results. Till then, see you!
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Yours truly,
Cheryl, I want to party.