Cheryl Ho’s Blog

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I finally have my connection up. But still haven’t bought the wifi cards.. so my desktops still cannot be used to go on the net yet.

Life without the internet is crappy. Boring. And lifeless.
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It has also caused me to go out a whole lot more often. Ever since I shifted, that didn’t stop me from going down to USJ and my usual hangout spots to meet my friends. In fact, I go out even more.

Anyway, I didn’t really take much pictures of the new house, it’s getting neater now.. but will post more pictures of it later.
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Here’s one on my sister’s and my room..
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I love the bed and thanks to it, I’m having serious problems with waking up early. The bed is so blardy low (that’s why we love it), and it just sort of makes you feel lazier to wake up in the morning.
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I have been quite busy with my Undang shit other than busy hanging out with my friends.
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5 hours of rubbish talk, seriously not one bit helpful. Ugh, and that’s not the end of it, I have another one more course to attend tomorrow morning (later that is) at 8am. wtf manI passed my Undang test already anyway. I’m fck’n lucky cos I scored a 43 out of 50, which its passing mark is 42.  I went there with a really bad headache, for the first time, hangover I suppose.. and ended up with gastric. What an excellent way to start the day..

If I were have to resit, paying RM50 is not the most painful part. It’s waiting for 7 hours again for my blardy turn.. THAT’S PAINFUL.

Yes, I waited from 9am till 3pm plus for my frik’n turn.
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And that was during my last outing with my whole bunch of friends at Summer Steamboat, Sunway. We had steamboat buffet.. though I didn’t really enjoy the steamboat, but it was darn good catching up and seeing all my friends.

I’ll be starting work next Monday onwards. I’m stationed at 1Utama for a week from 10th Dec, and then hopping over to Subang Parade for the following two weeks. Will not be able to see all them for bout 3 weeks.

And Gillie’s coming back on my first day of work. How fcked up is that. I really want to be there to greet her and hug her the moment she touches down.. I really miss all of them.. Well at least tomorrow’s another night to meet them (except Gillian).
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I’m up blogging, mainly because I can’t sleep. I… just can’t.

I went to bed since hours ago.. but my mind’s not off it. I tried, I really did. I tried thinking about other things to drive my attention away from this, but everything just seems to relate back to it.

I don’t know what to say, I never meant to feel this way.

I don’t want to ruin anything, or everything that we have over these years. But who could have known, that what we have shared has now grown into.

I tell myself that I am wrong, and in a matter of time, I will know that what I’m facing, is wrong.
I tell myself that this cannot happen, and in a matter of time, I will see that it will not.
I tell myself that things are great the way they are, and in a matter of time, I will realize and appreciate it more.
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I keep telling myself things like that…
but I never told myself, how painful it is.. to lie to myself.

To love an unreplied love and being not able to be as one, is hurtful.. but forgettable.
But to share and love each other and not as one, is dreadful and unforgettable.
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I realized my fear, and have always tried to avoid it. I thought I’ve overcome it and became the master of it, instead of it mastering me.

I never believed in that fear of mine.. at least I try not to. I am tired of trying trying trying trying and trying, but what’s about life is that I have to keep trying.

And when I continued trying, I unconciously realized my true fear; falling for you.
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What did I say?
What did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
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I thought I could resist you,
I thought that I was strong,
Somehow you were different from what I’ve known,
I didn’t see you coming,
You took me by surprise
and you stole my heart before I could say no..
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It is very obvious that I am definitely in one of my most down moments that I’ve ever gone through. I refuse to let this be another night where I cry myself to sleep. At least by this way here, this place here, I wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning realizing the tears I left by the side of my bed last night.

I hate to be in this situation where I don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what I want. Don’t know what you want. I wish I was a little less unsure about everything.
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